Today, it is so over casty that you can't tell where the sun is up in the sky. There is a dew on everything, and if you stand long enough in one place, you can feel it on your skin. The sky is grey, the air is cool - but a comfortable cool. It is foggy, it is almost mystical. I love it. This is my type of weather. Something that I image Ireland to be like. Something that some people love to complain about and find depressing. It is something that I find solace in it. Because of the grey skies, the green that is starting to bud from both the trees and the ground starkly stand out. It's almost a promise of more green to come. It's lush. I'm in my complete glory.
2010 is almost half way gone. It's gone by so fast for the most part. It seems like March was just yesterday and that January the week before. I've had an amazing start to 2010 so far. I've been blessed with my awesome as always friends and their friendships, and new relationships. I was treated to a week in Southern California with my boyfriend. I've seen my favorite band of all time play an amazing concert on my 24th birthday. I've learned some lessons, some harder than others. I've learned that I'm not completely broken. That it is possible for me to care so deeply about someone that it literally hurts when they're gone for periods of time. I've learned that it is only natural to feel that way if someone means something to you. And I've learned how to deal with that longing. I am so blessed to be standing where I am now.
I have some decisions, major decisions, to make in the next week. They will affect my life in a big way. And as much as I hope they're positive, I always have hesitation. I always have doubt. But, in the same breath, I remain hopeful. Always hopeful.
I have always been and will always continue to be an independent lady. I am self sufficient and reliant. I work very hard for what I have. It may not be the best in some eyes, but to me, they are my treasures and I am proud of them. I started with nothing and am surrounded now by a trove of what I call mine. What I've worked for. I am resourceful, smart, and most of all, I can read a situation like a book and see pretty much all possible outcomes. That's where the risk versus reward aspect of the decisions I am about to make come into play. There are no rewards in life without risk. Nothing worth having is just handed to you; for the most part. I am a firm believer in that, and because of such, I have to decide how much I'm willing to wager and if it's worth the cost - no just financially, but emotionally as well.
It is my belief that the most valuable asset that each of us humans possess are our hearts. They are to be guarded, treasured and respected. We make mistakes and hurt them. We sometimes let other people stomp on them like they're pieces of garbage. We sometimes get them hurt inadvertently, where there was no intended malice. Through it all though, we learn. We learn new ways to protect, new methods of preservation of our hearts and from that, grow. We grow to know what we want and don't want. We grow to know ourselves more. We learn how strong we are. And it is only natural to have these trials and tribulations. They make us appreciate what is in front of us all the more or kick whatever situation to the side because we know it's not worth it. But every time we take that risk, to put our hearts on the line, it is only natural to recoil and to think of all the times we were hurt. All the variables that came down to that pain. And only natural to try and make sure that doesn't happen again.
And that is where I am standing right now. Standing at that crossroads, that decision, that gut feeling, the years of hard learned lessons and ultimately, what my heart is telling me to do. It's cloudy and murky right now. There are tons of variables, tons of unknowns, tons of uncertainties, and tons of ways that this could go horribly wrong or perfectly right.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
I just have to rely on myself. Know my strengths. Know what I can handle. Understand what I can't. And trust that whatever decision that I make will be the right one. And run with it.
Faith.Trust.Hope.
