"Her favorite song will say more about her than her mouth ever will" - Unknown

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." – Victor Hugo

Rainy days. How I love them. There is something to a rainy day that brings out my desire to write. And as previously stated, I find no reason for reason for depression or sadness from less than sunny weather. It’s a comfort.

Song lyrics. They can usually sum up what I want to say but have a hard time finding the words for and articulating properly. My favorite band has hundreds of lyrics that fit my mood depending on the day. I am a quote and lyrics girl. I love looking them both up and from them, trying to see both sides of a story. What implications were trying to be conveyed in the statement, the music. What was the muse behind them. What context it can be applied to. Was there ever one to begin with?

To ask an individual what his or her favorite song is, it does not usually generate a true, confident, immediate response. In reality, this is one of those questions that needs a lot of mulling over before an authentic response can be shared.

For me personally, I’ve spent lots and lots of my time debating what my most true favorite songs are, what songs I feel confident I will always love the same way, the songs that will never lose its spark and will always light me up when I hear it, no matter what the circumstances. Hands down, I cannot just come up with one. In a world with millions of songs, it is easy to be indecisive. But in this matter, I do not believe it is indecisiveness that prevents me from picking just one. It’s a matter of timing. There are some songs that I either heard during a certain period of my life, songs that I run to for comfort during certain circumstances and songs that will always be a fall back no matter what is going on. There are 5 songs that I hold dear. And, with no questions asked, my absolute all-time favorite songs are as follows, in no particular order.

• “Everything” by Lifehouse
Off of my favorites band’s first album, it’s a beautiful song – both lyrically and musically. Reminds me of my Grandma, I bought this album a few weeks before she passed away and after she did, I pretty much had this CD on repeat for months. It’s both comforting and nostalgic to me.

• “Green Eyes” by Coldplay
Not only because I have green eyes myself, but because it is a song that makes me feel special. My friend Matt sent me the song when I was going through a painful breakup to remind me how special I am and to never forget it. As Matt said, never settle and especially for a guy that would have a problem saying the lyrics to you. It made me smile and I hold true to his piece of advice.

• “Life After You” by Daughtry
A song about a couple man realizing how much the lady in his life means after a fight and a possible break up. One of my favorite verses also comes from this song “All that I’m after is a life full of laughter / As long as I am laughing with you / And I’m thinking that all that still matters is love ever after / After the life we’ve been through / ‘Cause I know there’s no life after you” It's cheesy and corny, but that's part of the reason why I love it so much. It's comfort.

• “Letter to Elise” by The Cure
It’s a tragically sad song to be completely honest. But I believe we’ve all been there at some point in time. Lost something or someone that was so important to us, but it took losing it/them to understand how important they really were.

• “Out of Breath” by Lifehouse
To me, this song is about leaving a situation and learning to grow. You’ll always remember where you came from and what it did to you. But it’s about finding the hope that you have in something else; whether it be a person, a change in your life, or best of all, yourself to move past it and heal.

Although some of us are fickle and are constantly changing our “favorite song” to correspond with the new “it” band or the most popular song on the radio, when it comes down to it, everyone has at least one song that means much more to them than all the rest. And because of the constant surge of new music we hear on an almost daily bases, it's only natural that we add a few of these newbies to the list. We all create emotional attachments to different qualities of music, but if you ask anyone about why their favorite song is what it is, you can expect them to the have the details to back up the title.

A real favorite song has so much more to it than just that sound you’re looking for, although that’s definitely a part of it. The right favorite song is timeless; it can bring you back to how you initially felt when you heard it or it can momentarily stop you from feeling anything at all. The lyrics feel like they came straight out of your notebook, or maybe a more sophisticated translation of your diary. A favorite song hits home in every way possible and builds the bridge between the way you feel and the music you listen to.

Pondering in the Rain

Today, it is so over casty that you can't tell where the sun is up in the sky. There is a dew on everything, and if you stand long enough in one place, you can feel it on your skin. The sky is grey, the air is cool - but a comfortable cool. It is foggy, it is almost mystical. I love it. This is my type of weather. Something that I image Ireland to be like. Something that some people love to complain about and find depressing. It is something that I find solace in it. Because of the grey skies, the green that is starting to bud from both the trees and the ground starkly stand out. It's almost a promise of more green to come. It's lush. I'm in my complete glory.

2010 is almost half way gone. It's gone by so fast for the most part. It seems like March was just yesterday and that January the week before. I've had an amazing start to 2010 so far. I've been blessed with my awesome as always friends and their friendships, and new relationships. I was treated to a week in Southern California with my boyfriend. I've seen my favorite band of all time play an amazing concert on my 24th birthday. I've learned some lessons, some harder than others. I've learned that I'm not completely broken. That it is possible for me to care so deeply about someone that it literally hurts when they're gone for periods of time. I've learned that it is only natural to feel that way if someone means something to you. And I've learned how to deal with that longing. I am so blessed to be standing where I am now.

I have some decisions, major decisions, to make in the next week. They will affect my life in a big way. And as much as I hope they're positive, I always have hesitation. I always have doubt. But, in the same breath, I remain hopeful. Always hopeful.

I have always been and will always continue to be an independent lady. I am self sufficient and reliant. I work very hard for what I have. It may not be the best in some eyes, but to me, they are my treasures and I am proud of them. I started with nothing and am surrounded now by a trove of what I call mine. What I've worked for. I am resourceful, smart, and most of all, I can read a situation like a book and see pretty much all possible outcomes. That's where the risk versus reward aspect of the decisions I am about to make come into play. There are no rewards in life without risk. Nothing worth having is just handed to you; for the most part. I am a firm believer in that, and because of such, I have to decide how much I'm willing to wager and if it's worth the cost - no just financially, but emotionally as well.

It is my belief that the most valuable asset that each of us humans possess are our hearts. They are to be guarded, treasured and respected. We make mistakes and hurt them. We sometimes let other people stomp on them like they're pieces of garbage. We sometimes get them hurt inadvertently, where there was no intended malice. Through it all though, we learn. We learn new ways to protect, new methods of preservation of our hearts and from that, grow. We grow to know what we want and don't want. We grow to know ourselves more. We learn how strong we are. And it is only natural to have these trials and tribulations. They make us appreciate what is in front of us all the more or kick whatever situation to the side because we know it's not worth it. But every time we take that risk, to put our hearts on the line, it is only natural to recoil and to think of all the times we were hurt. All the variables that came down to that pain. And only natural to try and make sure that doesn't happen again.

And that is where I am standing right now. Standing at that crossroads, that decision, that gut feeling, the years of hard learned lessons and ultimately, what my heart is telling me to do. It's cloudy and murky right now. There are tons of variables, tons of unknowns, tons of uncertainties, and tons of ways that this could go horribly wrong or perfectly right.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

I just have to rely on myself. Know my strengths. Know what I can handle. Understand what I can't. And trust that whatever decision that I make will be the right one. And run with it.

Faith.Trust.Hope.

Gotta notion to say what doesn't feel right

One more sleep and a new year will dawn, technically none, as who sleeps on New Years Eve?. Thank god and good riddance to 2009. 2010 is going to be different. Better. Life changing. And I'm not saying that sound all new agey and "think positive" psycho babble. It just has to be, there is no other option.

Although 2009 wasn't the best of years for me personally, I will be forever thankful for some of the amazing things I was able to see, partake in, accomplish and learn.

The Positives:
* I became an auntie this year to a beautiful baby boy of my closet cousin, Courtney and her husband Brian. Hudson is an adorable, happy natured little guy. I love watching him grow up. I will also become an Auntie again this year thanks to Court and Brian - they are expecting their second child mid August.
* I got to see 3 of my favorite bands in concert, it rocked.
* I got to see Jenn Rose twice in one year, which has only happened once before. Jenn is one of my closest friends who lives in Surrey, BC. On the May long weekend I headed over there for a joint birthday party, shopping and ziplining on the Island. It was a busy 4 days (6 if you count the driving) but totally worth it. In August, Jenn and her boyfriend Jordan came to Edmonton to visit. And although that visit was shorter, it was so nice to have them here.
* I painted and redecorated my apartment. And although it still doesn't feel like home some days, it is better than what it was before and feels cozy.
* I've met some cool people this year that I enjoy hanging out with. The more the merrier.
* I went to Hawaii for 9 days and had a blast. Although I was with my mom and her boyfriend, we did our own things during the day. In essence, it was a solo trip with the security of knowing I wasn't completely alone on some island in the middle of nowhere. I got to do what I wanted, how I wanted. I had to step outside my comfort zone and make friends with people I probably normally wouldn't talk to. It was refreshing. And the biggest bonus, I got to see so many different varieties of my favorite flower - Plumeria. I know, nerd, but whatever. Nothing was better than waking up in the morning and being able to pick one of those fragrant flowers and smile.

Throughout it all though, I do have one quality that I admire and hope never goes away; I always remain hopeful. It may be naive, it may set me up for more falls and broken hearts, but I rather have a hopeful, a healthy idealistic/realistic point of view on things rather than a pessimistic one. That's no fun. And although I have every reason to be one of those pessimistic people, it's not in me. I haven't been broke that hard yet and don't ever want to be.

This year, I think I've also balanced out idealism and realism to a certain degree. I will always have an idealistic point of view - I've come to terms with that, but I have developed better ways to keep everything in check and make sure that the perfection that I expect from nearly everything will rarely happen and I'm ok with that.

What needs to change in 2010:
* To be able to live by these 2 mottos (I know, gay, whatever): What will be, will be. And Who we are is who we are. I think that if people tried to follow these two ways of thinking a little more closely, we'd have a less complicated world.
* Living situation - I need to move. Preferably somewhere on the NE end of the city. Being marooned out in the west end is starting to suck. I work on the SE end. I have a half an hour to 45 minute commute on the way to work and sometimes up to an hour and a half on the way home. Stupid. Most of my friends live on the NE and I'm over there 4-5 nights a week. Half hour each way. Again, stupid. The only hesitation I have is that I am finally half comfortable with my place. I like how it's decorated for the most part. I don't know if I want to change that. Though it'd save my car and myself a lot of miles. We'll see.
* I want to stock pile $$ for a trip to Ireland. Hopefully to spend Christmas 2011 there. Get away from family and pressure and do something for me. Go to a place that I've wanted to see since I was probably 12 or 13. It just sounds like a relaxing way to go about an otherwise unpleasant time of the year for me.
* School - I really want to go back. I cannot afford to though the way things are. I'd pretty much have to work my full time job, get a part time job and then take night school. I have a feeling there is no way that can be done in a 24 hour day, and if it were, nearly impossible to function that way. I'd run myself ragged. Stress, lack of sleep and general upheavals bring out my lupus flare ups. That's just a nasty one waiting to happen and I could potentially be flat on my ass for weeks. So maybe if I got a roommate, moved or did something along those lines, I could afford to go to school. I have a few ideas as to what I want to do. Problem is, that for the most part, the things that really interest me (Social Work for example) pay the least and can end up being really shitty jobs for the first few years. Not that I am afraid of the shittiness that is being low man (woman) on the totem pole - it's just that being a single lady in a big city, I can't afford to take a pay cut from what I'm making now. I can't afford to wait that out for a few years either until I move up. I'll figure it out.
* I appreciate the job that I have now, I excel at it. But sometimes it seems that it's starting to get boring, rarely challenges me anymore and I know I could do so much more. I'm about as high up as woman can go in this company at my age. I'm the baby here for the most part. I think there is one guy out in the shop that is a little younger than me, by a few months. This is where an education would come in handy. What I would love to do most part (own and run a successful flower shop) is unattainable for me at the moment. With age, experience and a few other goals of mine completed, I will get there. This is that limbo period.
* Cutting ties with home - Home will probably always be my happy place. My only real fond childhood memories stem from that place. I've done some pretty fun and crazy things up there, I feel safe, I love almost everything about it. But I can't go live back up there. Not now, and not probably for a long time. The visits I take up there are nice, refreshing, ground me. But they make me miss something that I will never have again - not in that same sense. The nostalgia of going up there plays with me a for a few days afterwards. Maybe one day. Not now.


So all in all, I have a few things to work on. A few things to figure out. But the root issues, the daily grind problems, tribulations and successes - I feel I have those down pat. I am proud of my accomplishments. If you were to tell me 3 years ago today that I'd be sitting here typing the above to you, I would of asked what turnip truck dropped you off. I didn't think it was all possible. 90% of it came from an inner strength that I didn't know that I had. 10% came from some amazing friends that never let me throw my hands up in the air in tears and give in. Their support and love are invaluable and never will be forgotten.

So with that, Happy New Year! Passing to you the most sincere of sincere best wishes for 2010.

Jess